Those days, I long to be mature and independent. I just can't wait to turn twenty-something years old while imagining myself being on my 20s hustling and doing a profession I really aspire to be. I imagine myself being a medical student or some college degree that could lead me on becoming a Doctor. Now, I'm 25 and I'm still finding my purpose. I'm still the younger version of me clueless about everything. I still feel like a kid sometimes and I tend to be anxious and afraid.
I remember once, when I was 11 years old. There was a well-known event in our school celebrated during the month of August and it was called "Buwan ng wika" our teacher choose volunteers for a poem recitation to compete with another school. I wasn't the first choice yet I raised my hand and insist to join. As soon as I raised my hand, my teacher looked at me shockingly and told me that I can't compete because I'm too shy to win and too timid to perform in front of a crowd. She asked my other classmate to join instead. But I insisted to practice and the teacher let me join for the competition. Luckily, I won the first place.
Another version of me was when I was 14 years old. Ever since I was a kid, I love to sing. But I'm too shy to try joining a choir. Some people said, I have a talent of singing and I did took it seriously at that time during High school. I was brave enough to auditioned for school choir. Unluckily, I got rejected while singing "I won't last a day without you." played on the piano. I promised that I'll never let myself be in that kind of situation again. Ever since that day, I never sing in front of the class anymore, not even with my closest friends.
Sometimes the confident 11 years old and the pessimist 14 years old seems to clash. I got this confidence in me that seldom over powered by that 14 year old, too afraid to fail or be rejected. The 14 year old me wants to hide or escape, to stay out of that situation. Last week, before I had my 25th Birthday I experienced failures and rejection. I wasn't promoted for 2nd year as a regular student nor had given a chance to take removal exams. I failed two of my major subjects and while contemplating about it, I fought so hard to that 14 year old version of me who wants to run and change career or plans etc.
Now, I pushed through and enrolled for summer immersion instead. I put on a brave face and tried so hard to not let these things get the best of me. Next week would be our first day of enrollment for the next school year and everything still feels unclear to me. Although I'm still contemplating about my life decisions, I realized that after all, I'm living my past self's dream, the 11 and 14 year old me who dreams to enter medical school and become a Doctor someday. In that way, these versions of me found its common ground.
